How Do I Get My Teen To See A Counsellor?
I wished I got asked this question more often, I really do. What happens far more frequently is a parent telling me why their teen needs counselling whether they want it or not. And I get it: parenting is hard. Parenting teens is REALLY hard. We’re all doing our best out here most of the time, but life happens and we want to make sure our kids are ok, even if we’re the last ones they want to talk to. So we make appointments for our kids, hoping a professional can reach them even if we can’t.
If a parent, any parent, asked me how to get their teen to see me willingly, that would be a far shorter conversation: you don’t.
I’m not trying to talk my way out of a job, I promise. What I know from my years of working with youth is that trying to get them to do something you want them to do is virtually impossible, especially when it’s what is good for them. So we cajole, we reason, we beg, we threaten. All of this puts us in the position of needing something from our kids, which is perhaps the exact wrong position to put yourself in when we believe they are vulnerable.
What I would suggest is this: offer counselling, then be quiet. If they bite, talk a little more. Any counsellor worth their snuff will provide a consult with your teen to see if they’re a good fit, which can take away a lot of the angst in choosing. If your teen chose not to engage in cunselling, say nothing. Then you, as the parent of a struggling teen, get yourself a counsellor.
Far too often I speak with parents who believe their teens to have or be the issue in the family, rather than the family having an issue. When a member of the family experiences change, trauma or challenge, every member of the family feels it. As the parent, you set the emotional tone for your family. So if you decide to start working with a counsellor due to some kind of stressor, be open about how you are working on the problem and what you are learning. This will impact your kids more than anything else, because you’re not directing, you’re modeling. And even though your teen may not be speaking a lot, they are watching. Counselling will help you understand yourself better, process tough feelings better, and learn who you really are as a human being. So even if no one follows you into mental health help, you’re going to be a better parent and better person because of it.
As a former youth counsellor, I know that teens are seeking the same thing we all are: genuine care and connection with some swear words thrown in for good measure. Let your kids choose if they see a counsellor and who they see so that we don’t give them a bad impression of counselling for their adulthood. For all you parents of struggling teens, I’ll see you soon!
